New Year’s Eve was my favorite holiday for many years, and I’ve neglected it lately.
It used to be my way of keeping up with each year. Instead of going out to party, I would curl up quietly with a notebook, taking the time to review each of the past 12 months – noting down all the significant events and changes that had occurred. Back in the 1990s I remember doing this this accompanied by the alternative radio station’s countdown of the top 100 songs of the year. Gradually, I stopped taking the time to write out my goodbye to the year. But I miss it – it helps me get perspective and reorient myself to the next year. Once I look back, I can see more clearly right here and now. Otherwise, time moves quickly, with no natural borders, just carrying me along in its nearly invisible flow.
My 2013 felt like little change on the surface and major change in the geological plates below the topsoil. I am outwardly still in the same job, same home, same country, same unending immigration entanglements (though the opportunities themselves changed). But underneath I have shifted from care-needing child to care-giving child — in the way that occurs as we all get older I suppose. I’ve grown up again, and wonder at what age, if any, the sense of growing up ends. Perhaps never, which may be a comfort. I’ve started talking to God – according to my own definition of God, which is no-one’s business but my own. I’ve seen one short film travel to festivals around the world and started the next film. I’ve I’ve begun a renewed period of building a life that makes sense to me — and now, more than ever, I am focusing on creation instead of on reaction.
What to look forward to this year? No matter what comes (and much of life right now feels like a hovering mystery to be revealed), I have a faith that I will see my way through it, with the help of love, family, the sun and trees outside my window, the sea and waves, bagels and tangerines, and the divine seed in all of this.